09 January 2005 - 2:16 am

hi kids...

i havent been very motivated to write much these past few months. I don't know what it is. I think it's because most of the people that read this, i know very well and are very close. So I think I have a hard time opening up and writing like I used to. I don't know. There was one big thing I learned in 2004. I found that I was probably trying to hard to look for new friends, when they were right next to me the whole time. I was hoping to meet new folks, and maybe use the internet as a tool to meet these new folks that could possible become new close friends. As has been the story of my life, I expected too much, and felt that they let me down. When in reality, I was the disappointment.

I'm a walking & talking hypocrit when it comes to friendships, my self-esteem and being social. I look at myself as purely average in the Looks & Smarts. So I expect others to be superior to me. That expectation didn't allow for any slack, so when people didn't meet those standards, I felt disappointed. But at the same time, I would declare "Everyone Is Stupid" and not expect anything from the ones I felt were inferior. Yeah, so Who am I to judge? That's where I got burned, and I burned everyone around me.

Well, old habits are hard to break, but at least I'm conscious about it. So I have no excuse to make an active effort to forgive and allow people to be themselves.

I don't know. I just know that I'm not happy with myself right now. I dont know when I'll be writing here again.

Until then, you know where to find me.

bye kids,

den

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