17 September 2004 - 3:20 am

bit more...

I almost cried a couple days ago when I realized that my pet might not recover. He had been sick for a few months. But when I was talking about him to a friend, I realised that it hurt and the illness bothered me. When I was alone, i didn't feel that bad. I wasn't sad. Much less did I feel like crying. But talking about it made all the emotions come out. She told me he'll be OK if I keep taking care of it. I'm sure she was right. I just know I didn't do all I could.

I guess that's why we need people. Lovers, friends, whatever. I was told once that we really haven't fully witnessed life until we witness all emotions. She implied that we haven't matured until we have matured emotionally. I've always known that I'm constantly learning. What I learned tonight is that we need others to really feel and express emotion. That's why we have significant others. Do we need them? I think so. Because of what I said. So we can grow as individuals. Well, at least mature emotionally.

As soon as one of my closest friends found out, she called me IMMEDIATELY. Like 130AM. She cried, of course I knew why, but I had to contain it. So I ran to my room. And we talked. That moment the tears just came out. I haven't cried like that since. I don't know. He was only a lizard, I know. Pets die, people die, we're all gonna die... eventually. But it doesn't mean the event can't be sad. Because it is. When I found him dead, i did't cry. I sat outside for a while, walked around the house, thought about where and how I was gonna bury him. I decided against it. I'm either gonna taxidermy or the cremation route. I haven't decided. But I was cold and methodical about it. It didn't hit me. Until I talked about it to a friend. The emotions just poured out. I was pissed at myself for my neglect. I was mad at a certain producer of "dragon chow" for discontinuation of the only food he ate (aside bugs and veggies). And i was sad, because i let a life go to waste and die under my care.

I'll probably cry again when I cremate him during one of the Decompressions.

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17 September 2004 - 2:06 am

RIP SEP 16, 2004

Bahamut was a gift given to me by my sister several Christmasses ago. They exact year, I don't know. But it just shows how well of a parent I was to him. He was an Australian Bearded Dragon. He was full grown in about a year, 19 inches (45 cm). He had been sick for the last month or two. He stopped eating and drinking, so I was force feeding him during his final weeks. It didn't pay off. I found him dead yesterday evening. He will probably be preserved until his cremation at a later date. An alter will be prepared for him for Día de los Muertos. The following were pics during his final healthy days.

He was sort of scary looking. But he was absolutely docile and easy to hold. I'm going to fucking miss him.

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