20 November 2007 - 6:33 pm

I'm alive...

...Seems like forever.

I don't post here much anymore. I don't know why. but I feel like I have to write things down once in a while so I can look back on myself and see the stupid shit I keep doing over and over.

I think i'm in trouble again. The trouble, once again, is that tender piece of meat found in my chest.

So, I've met another girl. This time I've decided to keep it casual. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I promised to keep it fun and not have any expectations. To just go with the flow. To just be me. Just to keep doing what I do. I have, which is good. It has been great -- like a fantasy. I am totally myself around her. My obnoxious mannerisms, bad-taste, and riding my high-horse (or bike.) But she doesn't seem to mind. Which is rad. She likes to be around me, which makes me happy. But I'm finding myself wanting to be around her all-the-time. Thoughts of her are constantly stirring in my mind--distracting me. Is this normal? Seems like it should be. I've never been very good at fooling myself. In this case I keep telling myself that she's just a lot of fun to be with, and to enjoy it while it lasts. Which I have been doing, which was working pretty well, until now. Feelings are changing, but this time it's not exciting. It's scary. I've been here before, several times, and whenever I'm here it is grand... like cake, for a while. The last time I was on top of the world, then I fell off. Really fucking hard. I fell in love and got rejected, big-time. It took me most of the year to get over it.

That's where I am now. I think I'm developing feelings for this new girl. But there are so many signs that are telling me to stop. But there are the possibilities, just what if... But I don't want to be in love. I have a feeling that love is something we have no control over. I've never been good at fooling myself, so trying to convince myself, that I don't really like her, just doesn't work without some evidence. Because the fact is that I really really like her. A lot.

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